The Seed of Love...

"The Shepherd put his hand in his bosom, drew something forth, and laid it on the palm of his hand. Then he held out his hand to Much Afraid. "Here is the seed of Love", he said. She bent forward to look, then gave a startled little cry and drew back. There was indeed a seed laying in the palm of his hand, but it was shaped exactly like a long, sharply pointed thorn. Much Afraid had often noticed that the Shepherd's hands were scarred and wounded, but now she saw that the scar in the palm of the hand held out to her was the exact shape and size of the seed of love lying beside it. "The seed looks very sharp," she said. "Won't it hurt if you put it into my heart?' He answered gently," It is so sharp that it slips in quickly. But, Much Afraid, I have already warned you that love and pain go together, for a time at least. If you would know love, you must know pain too." It is true, just as he said, it did cause a piercing pain, but it slipped quickly and then, suddenly, a sweetness she had never felt or imagined before tingled through her. It was bittersweet, but the sweetness was the stronger." -Hinds Feet on High Places

I read this portion of the book after my first little one passed away. I knew God had given me the promise of a little one, so to me this poem spoke volumes.

Exactly this time last year we lost our first little one. I remember feeling crushed, like my feet were suddenly swept out from under me. Because of the loss, I have changed in my way of thinking. I remember feeling so frustrated because people expected me to go back to normal, not realizing that my whole world just had flipped upside down, and that in some ways I would never be the same.

The miscarriage was bittersweet, just as the book says, but now we are finally getting to the sweet part. I have exactly 90 days today until I see this sweet little baby boy's face. I will hold this little one, in arms that ached to hold a baby. It will be bittersweet, knowing that my arms won't get to hold my first one until heaven, but comforting to know that while I cannot Jesus can.